Thoughts and more

It's been a couple of days since I have trouble falling asleep and since two days ago I had a thought that I think I'm going to start writing again, ah! I remember it was triggered by a professor of mine at the university who said journaling would help you. Start small, he said. I bet he read the same book as I do, The Atomic Habits.

Almost a week ago I met someone who used to be a best friend of mine, I visited her after two years. It was short after all, but what I then realized is I miss her more than I used to and I miss us. I miss the fun we had when we were young. I miss her jokes, well mostly the sarcasm she utters, I miss her Idea, and I miss how we connect. It's no longer sad, it is what it is now. She goes on with her life, and so do I. It's just, that I sincerely hope she's living her life to the fullest and blessed. I know she has people that have her back, so much worry should not be given, right? Things might not be like they used to, but for now, I can say that, we're on a safe and good track. 

But what struck me right now is, when she said she feels lonely here. I replied, "After being in my so-called hometown for a good few months, I think the peace that I need is here not there". She respected my statement and decision, and we both understand what we actually are having in hand. But then, it stays in me until the very moment.

I'm trying to figure out the unsure feeling I've been facing. Am I denying it? or is it my coping mechanism that has been protecting me? or what?

I've been dealing with this mixed feeling since a week ago, someone I consider a very good friend of mine, who I really cherish and look up to, had an unfortunate event going on. I was unable to be there and I've been blaming myself since. I'm haunted by fear, that she might disappear at any moment. I believe her, I know her, but this uneasy feeling has been lingering, maybe I don't know her that much, that this kind of thought appears or maybe it's just this growing fear that I have. I'm furious that I wasn't there, not that I don't want it, it's just the circumstances didn't allow me to. Every time the thought of her facing the situation brings me to tears. And it's just I don't want to overthink about her, but she shows up here and there. My conscious unconsciousness is worrying her a little bit too much. Is she handling this well? Does she have someone to rely on there? Will she be alright? Is she at least eating something? I can't reach her, and I don't know what I want to hear actually, because I know she is not ok, it's just I want to know that she is still there and holding on. I want her to know that even when the world tears her apart into pieces, I'm there. She has the right to be angry to cry to not respond. If I were her, my energy might be sucked into minus and need a hella big time to recover. But, All I just want her to know is, that I'm there, have always been there, and will always be there. I'm fully aware that I've been trying to make a deal with myself and convincing myself that it's alright, well not to promise it is going to be alright, but for now it is alright. It's the compromise I've been settling ever since. The fear that she might disappear, the fear that I'm not a good friend for her, the fear if I happen to lose her...

I just somehow now realized... It's the fear that I'm losing someone I love as a friend that's been haunting me because I don't think I could bear the same feeling I felt  back then. I mean as time goes on, I still miss my used-to-be best friend and the pain of losing her. 

And now I know what she means, it's the fear of loneliness after all.

Taking a sleeping pill tonight,

C